sovereign god

after the masks have slidden right off and we, with all the faith of mustard seeds, launch ourselves with rawness of heart instead of those parcelled truths we dish out so religiously…

when we come humbly, finally, with sackcloths and realize that to be right with God first is everything and the exterior is worth nothing at all…

we have to ask ourselves the question: what was that lie that i was living before? did jesus have a role there? 

the authentic sharing will continue (i hope) through God’s grace and thanks to the faithfulness of leaders in aaiv but i wonder, when will it be my turn to share?  especially now when i feel like i can’t even trust the people that i’m supposed to be able to trust? God’s been speaking to my heart about my heart…but truth be told, the bloody, pulpy mess of my heart right now is screaming murder and nothing will quell it but seomthing equally as terrible and messy… 

but God is speaking..

 i’m praying like crazy for the grace of God to overcome this darkness and all the other places that need to be exposed… 

do i take God at his word? is it ok to forgive? where will i get the strength? easier said then done.

never the same

Those sins I stacked upon my head and that broken shell of a girl seemed like a thing of the past.   Somehow she’s returned, or maybe she never left but now I’m not even a fraction of the person she was. I feel as if I don’t know anything anymore.

When I approach God, I’m overcome with this irresistible need to overcompensate and make reparations for my sins.  While knowing that this is a hopeless project, I wonder anxiously if, when, and how the process of returning to Christ can even begin.  I admit, I haven’t even been able to accept true forgiveness because I would rather dwell on my failures and punish myself.. hoping that if I hurt myself enough, make myself feel terrible enough, I could be absolved of this forever. 

Having a proper sense of shame about past sin is not incompatible with a maturing Christian.

This is something my friend texted me earlier last week.  I wonder though, when is it safe to move on? Is there a time for grieving the loss of right relationship with God and feeling proper shame about the heart that rebels in foolishness, feeling guilt and disappointment with the self in having committed seemingly large and unforgivable acts that only reflect the reality of my sinful, broken condition? 

One thing I do know, none of my groveling and self-inflicted punishments will absolve me or bring about compensation for past or present sins.  The thing I must do is clear to me: I have to lay down my pride and run back to Jesus, but it doesn’t feel right.  The thing with grace, it’s never deserved and it is the hardest (for me) to receive, but it’s not about you Sojung!  It’s about God, and his mercy, and how much he loves you. Thus, the “scandal” of grace–God is that good!

I want to know the meaning of humility. I want to know myself as I am, as God sees me. The first step in that is receiving his grace and mercy. 

It’s through my weaknesses I’d like to think that my life will ultimately serve to magnify God. Please let that be true of the mess of a life I give to you now.

“Your ordinary self is exactly where God wants to work extraordinary miracles.”

“Your ordinary self is exactly where God wants to work extraordinary miracles.  The inconspicuous nobody who shivers when it’s cold and sweats when it’s hot, who wakes up so many days feeling not-at-all-ready to face the world, who can barely get dressed and show up on time and at the right place, who has to read the paragraph three times to understand it, who feels lonely and hopeless, isolated, crowded, horny, left out, and taken in all at once–YOU are the one God loves!  Deal with it.”

“Posers, Fakers & Wannabes” 

Brennan Manning

“There can only be two basic loves, the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness and denial of God.”

Augustine

God chooses to love me and my sense of reality should be anchored there.  Therein comes my worth, my righteousness… His love which redeems and transforms…love that does something impossible, incredible…makes me lovable.

sticky

stick to what you know, not to what you think you know.

to be continued.. maybe

do not:

slack in class and then be surprised at the end of the semester that you’re not going be able to get that A.

let yourself be defined by anyone instead of God.

lose yourself because you were trying to make someone else like you.

make any human relationship your everything.

see people as the sum of their mistakes.

do the work but forget to think.

ever think that you’re unoriginal.

side note*

interesting definition of immaturity: the inability to connect actions to consequences.

awe

Jeremy Camp [In your presence]

As I stand here in your presence, 
Of your beauty I will always stand in awe.
I reach my hands out to the heavens and I lift my voice to you alone. 

“Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength. Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name”
Psalm 96:7-8

“The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.”
Isaiah 40:8

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.”
Psalm 90:1-2

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.”
Psalm 19:1-4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Then Job replied to the LORD :
I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42

The knowledge of God is like a certain deep and dark well.  Many come to it and peer into obscurity; few are so bold as to venture into its depths. The multitude that stand at its edges are only met with impenetrable darkness and come away bewildered, but those who make the leap off the edge and free fall downward into the unrevealed get to see into the mystery of God; the deep things of God that nobody knows… that we’ve only ever heard of but never seen. 

He is God. He will be glorified.

distorted

I had just woken up and it was already dark outside. I decided to get dressed and go hang out at the mall to kill time.  All the while, a grave sense of loneliness, concentrated with fear and anxiety, drenched my spirits. I could hardly think to come out of it. It was such a heavy burden to bear and I was insatiable and despondent in this impenetrable state.  

As the day went on, I encountered several groups of people. The first group of people were friends of mine. They were going to the movies so I decided to tag along. It was something to do. However, I rapidly grew bored and restless.  I left with a group of strangers who were on their way to a party. It was nearing midnight but I wasn’t tired yet. My primary concern was to busy myself so that I never had a chance to dwell on my own feelings of emptiness and hopelessness.

As the night progressed, I found myself progressively drawn to ever more foul and detestable people and situations. I didn’t care, I just needed to be satisfied.  I overindulged on increasingly excessive acts until I was the one suggesting the next outrageous high…

Eventually I felt satisfied. Exhausted, I let myself drift off into oblivion until the following day when I would have to face, again, the insurmountable task of achieving the next empty high, attain a false sense of fulfillment–only to still be so hungry in reality.

Though this was only a dream, the hunger pangs of spiritual emptiness were so real to me. I oftentimes find myself living my life like that–barely surviving.  What a temptation it is to continually fill my life to the brim with crap in order to occupy myself.. only to achieve a total and complete false sense of security and fulfillment.

off-key

Mary’s Song

Luke 1:46-8: ”And Mary said: ‘My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.”

Mary rejoices in God’s destiny for her, and a world turned upside down. Although nothing made sense to her, she had faith and accepted God’s calling on her life. That’s all we have to do in order for something amazing to birth. 

v50-3: ”His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty.”

v48 “for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant” 

God reached so unexpectedly down to the least and the lowly. Can Mary’s God really be our God — the God who uses the least to usher in the kingdom?  Can the God who has, “scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts, [brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble]” really be our God? Can we really praise this God?

There are a couple of interrelated dichotomies that occur, for example, between the humble and the proud, the rich and poor, the hungry and full. Who can I most relate with? Or in other words, am I in a good position to sing with Mary? Do I need God? Mary’s God?

“Every song of the future apart from hers is simply off key. Every future projected apart from Mary’s God has no future –it is doomed, and it is damned. But if Mary’s song is the Advent song, then her God has a future, and her God will bring us the future”  –James F. Kay

love

Today as we prayed I knew, it is good to be here. Something within me was firmly in agreement with my inward posture–as I threw off all my burdens, distractions, grievances, and just sat still before God.

Falling back in love with Jesus.

How did I ever fall out of love?  

desire

Vision of You

[Shane&Shane]

 

Come meet us, King Jesus

Oh wind of change blow through this temple

Sweet spirit of God, come and mend our hearts

For all we have are songs unless You come

 

Chorus

   Awaken what’s inside of me,

   Tune my heart to all You are in me

   Even though You’re here, God come

   May the vision of You be the death of me

   And even though You’ve given everything

   Jesus Come

 

Bridge

Here we are, in this place

Crying out for Your embrace

To hear Your voice more than songs

Please come